Love God. Love others.

mendacity.

2008-08-25T16:14:00.002-05:00

BIG DADDY: If I give you a drink, will you tell me what it is you're disgusted with, Brick?

BRICK: Yes, sir, I will try to. Have you ever heard the word "mendacity"?

BIG DADDY: Sure. Mendacity is one of them five dollar words that cheap politicians throw back and forth at eath other.

BRICK: You know what it means?

BIG DADDY: Don't it mean lying and liars?

BRICK: Yes, sir, lying and liars.

~Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Tennessee Williams

If there is one aspect of humanity that I despise above all others, it is probably mendacity. People who are two-faced. I simply cannot stand it. I don't understand why we can't just say what we mean or what we really think or how we really feel about a person, situation, etc. There have been tons of examples of this in my everyday life and the lives of those close to me (not to mention in high-profile figures around the world) in recent weeks. What makes us think that it's a good idea to lie? Why can't we just tell the truth? Part of this is rooted in our culture--we tell people what we think they want to hear. We say, "Oh I love your hair!" when we are thinking, Wow--your hair looks terrible. Why can't we just keep our mouths shut? Because then the person will think we didn't notice, and may ask, "Do you like my hair?" THEN WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY? You're presented with two options--tell the person you don't like it and risk hurting their feelings, or lie! I do not like either of these options. It's pretty impossible to change, though. I suppose my problem is that I am too trusting of other people. Some people would insert the word *gullible* (I know it's not written on the ceiling, and no they didn't take it out of the dictionary....thanks). I think that when a person says he/she will do something, that the person will honor his/her word and actually do what they said they would do. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble lately. On one hand, I like that I trust people--I believe them and I let them into my life, even if it means that I get hurt later on down the road. On the other hand, I wish I wasn't this way because I would save myself a lot of heartache. But you can't have it both ways. So I choose to go on believing and trusting (and getting hurt) and moving on. What else is there to do? Mendacity is a part of life.

I don't know what to do with my heart.

2008-02-16T23:48:00.002-06:00

I feel like a jerk. I need to do more spiritually. I feel all dry and hard inside. I don't want to be that way. I basically just need to get over myself and the things that I thought would happen or stay the same forever. Things change. I need to change too. I've been wrestling with the thought of the whole TLC thing. I just don't have a peace about it. Every time I go, it just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I feel like I've outgrown the whole sit and listen thing. I want to go deeper than that, and it seems like some of the people around me do too, but saying we want to and actually doing it are two very different things. But I need to do something. I just feel so jaded, though. Whatever things I think of to rekindle my spirit seem hokey and contrived. Even saying the word "rekindle" seems hokey and contrived. I think I've tried so hard to run away from being phoney and cheesey that I've become aversive to anything that could be real. I can't tell the difference anymore. It all seems fake to me. I placate myself by saying it's just a phase and I'll get over it and everything will be fine again, but what if it isn't? What if I end up feeling this way forever? It seems like the longer I think this way, the harder it will be to stop. I don't really know what do to or say or think or feel. I want to be deeply, truly committed. I want to not care if I sound cheesey or sappy. Have I just become too self-conscious to truly worship? Have I really become so cynical that I doubt everyone's sincerity? I want to want to worship. In a way, I do want to worship, but I can't seem to get out of my own way.

a decision.

2008-01-18T17:21:00.000-06:00

I have made a decision. I have decided that I am going to wear my burgundy pants for my 21st birthday. I know, you're thinking, "Burgundy? Really?" but they're nice (and cuter than they sound). There is a problem, though. These pants are 2 sizes smaller than the pants I currently wear. I have 45 days to lose 2 dress sizes. It is definitely doable (if you've ever seen an episode of Biggest Loser, you definitely know it's doable). But it is going to be hard. Really hard. I am going to want to rebel. I am going to want to slack off. I am going to want to give up. But I made a decision. Not a goal. A decision. I will do this. And I hope to be down two more sizes by the time I go to Las Vegas in April (I was in about 6th grade the last time I was that size). This is going to happen, but man, it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm gonna make it happen.

2007-12-29T22:12:00.000-06:00

I think I might like Wordpress better than Blogger....I'm going to go do my end of the year survey there.

here's the link: http://getintheway.wordpress.com

nothing deep.

2007-10-22T11:36:00.000-05:00

When was the last time you shaved your legs? last night--no seriously! it's a miracle!

What were you doing this morning at 7am? deciing not to go to class

What were you doing 15 minutes ago? facebooking

Are you any good at math? not so much

What were you doing last night? watching Damages

If you saw your last ex right now, what would you say? hi

Have you ever burped in front of the opposite sex? of course

Last thing you received in the mail? Time magazine

How many different beverages have you had today? none

What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? wisdom teeth

What is outside your bedroom? a closet and my parents' room

Any plans for Friday night? not yet

Do you have a secret crush? yes, actually

Describe your key chain: don't have one

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large crowd? a while--but I will be tomorrow

What kind of winter coat do you have? don't have one yet

Do you have any nicknames? my mom calls me boo

Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? no but I can unwrap a starburst in my mouth

First thing you wash in the shower? my hair--doesn't everyone?

Tell me about the last dream you remember having... um...it was about Bon Jovi (PG rated)

Have you ever met a celebrity? if you count seeing Faith Hill at the grocery store and being literally 3 feet away from Jon Bon Jovi at a concert, then yes.

How many countries have you visited? 2

Ever been on a train? yep--from Memphis to Chicago and then back

Have you ever crawled through a window? yep--it was really high up too

Have you ever been in a castle? yes

Whats the closest thing to you thats red? the tank top I'm wearing (which is actually Kim's)

imagine that this is the best title you've ever read.

2007-10-04T19:20:00.000-05:00

I want to be things. So many things. Things that I wonder if I'll ever be, or if it's even possible to be them. Maybe nobody can actually be all of those things and the sheer fact of wanting to be them is setting myself up for inevitable failure. There are so many things in life I want to experience. I want to be rich--to spend money without thought. I want to be poor--to know the feeling of an empty stomach and no way to fill it. I want to risk my life for a cause I believe in so strongly that I would gladly pay the ultimate price. I want to walk in a park, hand-in-hand with the one I love when we're 80. I want to experience earth shattering, gut wrenching heartbreak that drives me to my knees. I want to give up everything I have and live a life of radical faith. I want to bake cookies with my grandchildren--my silver hair in a bun and an apron around my waist. I want to travel to places I've never been and talk with people I've never met about things I've never thought about. I want to die peacefully, surrounded by the ones I love.

i had a really awesome title, but i forgot what it was

2007-08-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

My heart is really breaking for my God and my country. I was going to write this last night while it was fresh in my mind, but I was too drained--you'll soon find out why. I watched this CNN special called God's Warriors. Last night's episode focused on God's warriors in America (there are others for other militant religious groups throughout the world). It was disgusting. I mean that in the truest sense of the word. I was truly sickened by what I saw.

First of all, I didn't know that Jerry Falwell had started Liberty University (I have a friend that goes there). I also didn't know that the intent of the school is to "train up generations of pitbulls" to "grab the world by the jugular." Just so you know, I did take notes through the program, so what I put in quotations are actual word-for-word quotes. Somehow I don't think Jesus, the LAMB of God would like His followers to be described by anyone as "pitbulls," much less label themselves that. They recently opened a law school there and hope that one day former students will become Supreme Court justices and be able to influence the country (first order of business, overturn Roe v. Wade). Falwell went on to say that 9/11 was caused by our country's eroding moral values (namely abortion and gay marriage and quite possibly, liberals in general). He said that the sins we've committed as a country have caused God to remove his hand of protection and that things are only going to get worse.

They then interviewed some Liberty students, and one said this: "Once you choose the Christian faith you become God's warrior. It's just up to you to pick up your sword and fight." If God wants us to pick up our swords and fight, then why did Jesus tell Peter to put away his sword in the garden of Gethsemane? I would like to have asked that girl that question. Maybe I'll look her up on facebook and ask her (I probably won't, though...but maybe Ali knows her).

After the Falwell/Liberty U segment, they interviewed John Hagee and talked about God's foreign policy statement. Hagee said that it was Genesis 12:3 "I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." The "you" is apparently referring to America. I think that if God did have a policy statement, it would be something more along the lines of Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Or perhaps Matthew 22:36-40 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Call me crazy. Hagee is also calling himself a "Christian Zionist"--he wants to stir up a war between Iran and Israel to hasten the second coming of Christ. (Don't ask me how he plans to do that--or why--it was all explained last night, and I took notes on it, but it's hazy now).

Then they interviewed the author of Liberalism Kills Kids. Oh, you haven't read that one? It's by Rick Scarborough. He doesn't call himself a Republican or a Democrat, but a Christocrat. He's currently touring the country, advancing a conservative agenda and calling it the Christian way to vote. He tells people "for a Christian not to vote is a sin."

Next came Greg Boyd, labeled a "heretic" by much of the religious right. David had just been talking about his book Myth of a Christian Nation, so I thought it was pretty neat that they interviewed him too. He was the only one that didn't sound totally nuts. He said that poverty was probably the biggest problem in the world today and that if the US wanted to do something about the abortion rate, they should work to end poverty (since statistically, many more abortions occur in women and girls living in poverty). I'm sure David can add more.

The fundamentalist homeschool family was next. They are "fighting back by opting out." They currently have 5 kids and want more. The dad is a minister and the 6 year old son feels that God is calling him to be a minister like his dad. He asked his mother why he had to study math and she told him, "We study math because God created math--God loves math."

Apparently they saved the most disturbing segment of all for last. Ron Luce's Teen Mania and the annual conference Battlecry. This year it was held in San Francisco, arguably the most liberal city in the country. Luce wants to create "God's warriors for Jesus" who are ready to fight "virtue terrorists." It would take a whole other post at least as long as this one to go into everything that was wrong with this segment, but here are some quotes of the war rhetoric they were spewing at these young, impressionable kids and teens (all of whom were just eating it up, many crying, hands raised, jumping up and down). "Stand firm--fight the culture" Was on a banner on the stage. Luce got the crowd going by yelling "LET ME HEAR YOUR BATTLECRY!" Mandy Peterson, a Lieutenant (yes, she is literally called a Lieutenant) in Luce's "army" was interviewed. She said this: "I consider myself a warrior--I'm fighting for my faith." Battlecry held a demonstration in downtown San Fran. They chanted, "WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED! OUR VOICES WILL BE HEARD!" It didn't go over well with all the protesters who gathered to protest them being there (many holding "democracy not theocracy" signs, among others). The final sentence spoken in the program was by Luce. He told the interviewer, "As long as there are broken, hurting young people, I have a job." Now I'm sure he didn't mean for it to come out that way, but it certainly betrayed his motives, and most if not all of the motives of the religious right (should be the religious wrong).

Needless to say I was disgusted. But Jesus died for them too (although it must have been extra hard), and so I have only one thing left to say. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I just went back and read all my old posts.

2007-08-17T01:18:00.000-05:00

It's so amazing what changes can happen in 6 months. I hated Manchester when I went to visit. I've been working with Beth at ACB for 5 months. Malachi is 14 months old. The Parkersons moved to Rose Creek Village. I'm off all my medications. Kim and Jeremy are going to a corporate church. I have red(ish now) hair. It seems like nothing is the same. I guess that's just how life is. Nothing stays the same for long. I know I haven't, even the things I wish were the same. I've gotten really far away from God. I've felt betrayed and abandoned by my closest friends, and I let that harden my heart. Since I've been working at ACB, I haven't been able to meet with the Andersons and Pailles, and I've lost my community. I refuse to go to TLC (Cordova too, for that matter) on principle. I just don't understand how you guys can change so drastically! It feels like you chickened out. It got hard and you bailed. Maybe that's not it, but it sure feels that way. You've done a complete 180* and left me behind. I still think how we all used to think, so that leaves me the odd man out in yet another area. I just seriously cannot wrap my mind around that! I don't get it. This isn't what I want this whole post to be about, so I'll drop that for now.

I was supposed to be going to Memphis this semester. Classes start the 27th. I was registered and everything. And then I get the news. There is no money for me to go to school because my parents spent it. That's right, they spent it. And I found that out too late to fill out my FAFSA and apply for financial aid and get scholarships and get everything paid for. I feel so let down. I wasn't all that happy about going to Memphis, and then I registered for my classes and I told people that I know there that I was coming, and I got excited. That was the problem. Silly me, I trusted my parents to do what was best for me instead of what was easy and convenient for them. Big mistake there. I'm going to have to work really hard not to get bitter about that. I feel so.......I can't even think of the right word. It's like when you get the wind knocked out of you and you can't breathe for a little while. You feel like your body is collapsing into itself. I know that everything will work out, but that means I have to be patient again and wait for the right door to open up. There are so many paths I could choose. I don't know if I should keep my job at ACB (even though I am really hating it and it has killed my opportunities for community), or if I should look for a job during the day ( don't want to work at ACB during the day because it's not a nice place then); but if I get a job that's during the day, then I will have to quit it to go back to school, and if I'm shooting for the spring semester, then that doesn't even really give me enough time at a new job to make it worth it. I guess what it really comes down to is that I feel trapped. Stagnant--physically, spiritually, emotionally. I am in a serious rut. It's not a good place to be.

I realized just the other day how hard my heart is. I don't want it to be that way. Before last night, I hadn't prayed, really prayed in months and months. Probably since I started working at night and we all stopped meeting together. That's a sad fact. I said I felt burned out--just tired of being a Christian. So I stopped. It's not like I beacme a hedonist or anything, I just stopped doing outwardly "Christian" or showy things. I was tired of the phoney-ness. I didn't want to be seen as an actor playing a role the way so many "Christians" in the world are. That's not me. I want to be real. But I'm not sure what that looks like. I guess whatever it does look like isn't what I'm doing right now because if it was then I wouldn't feel so crummy about it. Maybe I need to cut myself a big slice of humble pie. I don't have the answers (maybe Don Miller does). Life is a journey and I'm pretty close to the beginning of it. I do find myself longing for community, though. I wish things would be the way they were back when I was posting on this blog before. I want my community back! The Parkersons, Andersons, Pailles, and me. Times were good then. But, I don't see that happening with all the physical (and emotional) distance that's between us now.

There are so many other things I want to discuss here, but I will save them for another time. Let's have a dialogue again, friends.

OH WOW. NO WORDS.

2007-02-13T01:43:00.000-06:00

Day to Day: February 9, 2007ALEX CHADWICK, host: From the studios of NPR West, this is DAY TO DAY. I'm Alex Chadwick. MADELEINE BRAND, host: And I'm Madeline Brand. Coming up, Anna Nicole Smith's biggest legacy, legal trouble.
CHADWICK: First, there is another report today on the intelligence failures that led the U.S. into the Iraq war. This one is from the Pentagon. It says a former top official there presented misleading reports to President Bush and Vice President Cheney and others. That official is the former undersecretary of defense, Douglas Feith. We'll hear from him in a moment. Here is Senator Carl Levin, the chair of the Senate Armed Services Committee, which is releasing a declassified version of the report today. The senator is speaking to the inspector general of the Department of Defense, Thomas Gimble.
Senator CARL LEVIN (Democratic, Michigan): Without the knowledge of the intelligence community, we have a alternative intelligence analysis being presented on war or no war issues, whether or not the people who attacked us on 9/11 had a connection to Saddam Hussein.
CHADWICK: Former Undersecretary of Defense Douglas Feith, thank you for agreeing to come back on DAY TO DAY. And what would be your response to Senator Levin?
Mr. DOUGLAS FEITH (Former Undersecretary Of Defense): Well, what he's saying is wrong and unsupported. The criticism that is being directed now at my former office is because my office was trying to prevent an intelligence failure. We were - we had people in the Pentagon who thought that the CIA's speculative assessments were not of top quality. They were not raising all the questions they should raise and considering all the information they should consider. And our people criticized the CIA. And they did not present an alternative intelligence analysis. They presented a criticism. And now the inspector general is saying that criticizing the CIA was an intelligence activity that policy people should not have engaged in.
CHADWICK: That's not what he's saying. He's saying you briefed the president and the vice president and you said that there was conclusive evidence that there was an alleged - that there was a meeting between the 9/11 hijacker Mohamed Atta, and an Iraq spy in Prague. That was doubtful then. It's pretty much discredited now.
Mr. FEITH: No. That's absolutely not true. I mean what you're saying is just - there are about, you know, a dozen factual errors in your question there. It's just not true. Firstly, I didn't brief - I mean that's part of it - but in the - there were some people from my office and people from elsewhere in the Pentagon who were challenging the CIA's assessment of the Iraq/al-Qaida relationship. And they were raising questions and they were not putting out their own conclusions and analysis. They were challenging the approach that the CIA took, because they believed that the CIA had a theory that ideological opponents, like secular Baathists in the Iraqi government and religious extremists in al-Qaida, could not cooperate for strategic purposes. And the critics in the Pentagon of the CIA said that the CIA was filtering its own intelligence and ignoring its own intelligence that was inconsistent with the CIA's theory.
CHADWICK: What the inspector general's report says is that your office presented findings which appeared to be based on a full reading of intelligence and they were not based on a full reading of intelligence.
Mr. FEITH: That's simply not correct. And I don't believe that's what the inspector general report says. I mean there's an enormous amount of loose talk about this and vague and loose allegations. And it's really - it's very difficult to refute stuff that is so, you know, so thoroughly inaccurate. The point here is there was an intelligent, professional criticism made by policy people of - let me just specify here.
CHADWICK: Well, I would -
Mr. FEITH: When this very issue was looked at by the Senate Intelligence Committee in their bipartisan unanimous report in July 2004, they said that this very activity improved the CIA's work.
CHADWICK: Let me read to you from a statement and executive summary put out today by the Pentagon. It says that your office, quote, "developed, produced and then disseminated alternative intelligence assessments on the Iraq and al-Qaida relationship which included some conclusions that were inconsistent with the consensus of the intelligence committee and you presented these to senior decision makers."
Mr. FEITH: Okay. It is true that we put out questions and ideas that were inconsistent with the consensus of the intelligence community. That is not a crime. That was criticism. By the way, it is clear from both the Senate Intelligence Committee and the Silverman-Robb Commission reports that the government is better off if we have more and not less policy people raising serious challenges to intelligence.
CHADWICK: But -
Mr. FEITH: As you pointed out, there were serious intelligence errors as we went into Iraq.
CHADWICK: That again is -
Mr. FEITH: There should've been more questioning, not less.
CHADWICK: That again is a position that the inspector general seems to disagree with quite sharply. He concludes that a basic problem was that you were a policy person. You were formulating and advocating for a policy that you thought was the right thing to do, in this case the war in Iraq. And then you are presenting reports from your office that present themselves as neutral intelligence analysis when they're not.
Mr. FEITH: Yeah, well, that - that's not correct. And I don't agree with the inspector general on the point that the criticism of intelligence is intelligence work. I mean it's an interesting thing. Senator Levin and Senator Rockefeller had severely criticized the CIA. Now, when they criticize the CIA, is that intelligence work improper for non-intelligence people to do? Policy people also can criticize the CIA. The inspector general, I think, was simply wrong. He was saying something, that if we followed his advice on this, you would not have skeptical examination of intelligence. It is a healthy thing that we did -
CHADWICK: But that's not -
Mr. FEITH: The government should be doing more of it, and it is misguided -
CHADWICK: Mister Feith -
Mr. FEITH: - that intelligence people should not be allowed to raise questions about - policy people should not be allowed to raise questions about intelligence.
CHADWICK: Douglas Feith, now a visiting professor in the School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University in Washington. We'll sure hear more from you today. And thank you so much for coming back on DAY TO DAY.
Mr. FEITH: Good to talk to you.
CHADWICK: You can find the executive summary of that Pentagon report at our Web site, NPR.org. wow is all I can say.

slightly awkward, but mostly a good thing.

2007-01-08T22:49:00.000-06:00

My best friends are now my bosses...how weird is that? And you all read this! Ahhhh! lol. I doubt it will, but I seriously hope that this doesn't have any adverse effects on our relationship. Tonight for instance...total misunderstanding which resulted in mutual miffing. I think we need to set some ground rules. If someone does something that pisses the other person off, then we should *lovingly* bring it to that person's attention. It could all have been taken wrong in the first place, and be easily resolved like it was tonight! Or if we don't do that, we will likely end up like my roommate and I did last semester--silently loathing the other but being nice to each other's face and stuffing all the pissed-offness until one little thing makes you totally explode. That's not how grown ups act, or responsible adults either. Communication is very important. So, sorry for not jumping up and down about the job--I am really grateful, just a little wary of a potential conflict of interest/spending too much time together and reaching saturation, etc. Anyway, that's what's on my mind. Love you guys.

it's been a while.

2007-01-04T00:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't had a serious post on here for quite a while, so I figured tonight's as good a night as any. So...I don't think I put my new pact with Mom on here, so that is the first item of business, especially since that's what this post will predominantly be about. About a week ago, Mom and I had one of our serious talks. I told her that I wanted her to lose weight and get healthy. She's seriously a heart attack waiting to happen. I want her to be around to see her grandkids, and at this rate, that's not going to happen. Her reply was that she could say the same for me. I disagree, but whatever. We talked and talked and talked, and she eventually came up with this plan...she would get down to her ideal weight for her height, and I wouldn't have anything to do with peace or CPT or anything for 10 years. It's off if she quits, doesn't make it down to 125 in 2 years, or gets down that low and then gains (she can get up to 150 before it's off). Silly me, I agreed. I convinced myself that I was saving my mom, and this would just be a 10 year delay. Well, I got a big packet from Manchester in the mail today. The admissions lady I've been talking to sent me an application (actually the wrong one--a first year instead of a transfer), a map of the school and directions, and a parking pass for my visit March 12. I am just starting to realize how long 10 years is. That's half my life so far. I don't think I'm going to be able to do this. It's too important to me. My mom is forcing me to choose between her and what I feel God has called me to do. I think we will have to have another talk tomorrow and see if our pact can be ammended to just no CPT for 10 years and I can still go to Manchester for the Peace Studies program. This really sucks. I don't want my mom to die. But I can't sacrifice my life for hers either. That didn't come out how I meant it...I would take a bullet for her, but that's different than living day in and day out knowing that you're stuck doing something that you aren't meant for, and that the life you were meant for is out there passing you by. Am I being selfish here? I need some perspective. I don't know what to do.

happy 2007

2007-01-01T16:19:00.000-06:00

Now in 3 months and 2 days I will be 20. awesome.

oh end of the year surveys...

2006-12-29T14:58:00.000-06:00

What did you do in 2006 that you've never done before?
went to a club, went to Mexico and California, went "away" to college

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
well, since I don't remember if I had a resolution or what it was if I did, that's probably a no

Did anyone close to you give birth?
April and Kim!!

Did anyone close to you die?
thankfully, not this year

What countries did you visit?
Mexico and L.A. which is basically like a different country

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
stable income

What dates from 2006 will remain etched in your memory and why?
February 7--tattoo, February 14--first Bon Jovi show, February 15--fell down the stairs and almost broke my ankle (but heard the Bachelor, Dr. Travis, page someone over the intercom in the Vanderbilt ER), May 5--Elena, June 29--Malachi!!, July 21--Bon Jovi in Chicago (Jon looked at me and smiled!!), November 6--Good Morning America (I was 6' away from JBJ)

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
having the courage to leave Lipscomb and step out in faith and embrace the future

What was your biggest failure?
an 80 on my American Fiction midterm (my study buddy made a 98...grr) I was very upset

Did you suffer illness or injury?
February 15--fell down the stairs...don't recommend it...
and various illnesses (ear infections, strep throat, sinus infections galore, nothing too major)

What was the best thing you bought?
well, my mom bought me my silver ring, that's probably the best
Ohhhh--Bon Jovi tickets and fan club membership

Where did most of your money go?
books and Bon Jovi stuff...and Panera

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Chicago and Malachi and Bon Jovi

What do you wish you'd done more of?
ummm...probably study, although my grades were pretty good for not doing any

What do you wish you'd done less of?
probably sleep

How did you spend Christmas?
doing nothing. we opened presents early, so there wasn't anything left on Christmas day...

Did you fall in love in 2006?
not overly

What was your favorite TV show?
Grey's Anatomy

What was the best book you read?
Absalom, Absalom! (Faulkner), and Hebron Journal (Art Gish), and Searching for God Knows What (Don Miller)

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2006?
Neil Young (I found Bon Jovi in late 2005)

What did you want and get?
awesome Bon Jovi experiences

What did you want and not get?
a boyfriend (and a picture with and autograph from JBJ...)

What was your favorite film this year?
V for Vendetta

What did you do on your birthday?
went to Cheesecake Factory

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know...

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
mmmm comfortable--pajama pants that look like real pants and jeans and tshirts.

What kept you sane?
Kim and sweet little Malachi, and Muffy

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
do I even have to write his name? Jon Bon Jovi (but also Patrick Dempsey....)

What political issue stirred you the most?
well, I know what stirred Kim the most when I commented on it...haha

Who did you miss?
my Granny

Who was the best new person you met?
Rachel Rose

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
God is always faithful. ALWAYS

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, life grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go, so make the best of this test and don't ask why, it's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right, I hope you have the time of your life."

wow.

2006-12-20T00:55:00.000-06:00

I'm watching this show on the History channel about drugs, and I just learned that cocaine has a 17,000% mark up. That is insane. 17,000%--if you can make it for a dollar, you can charge 17 grand for it!?!?! wow.

anger!

2006-12-14T22:44:00.000-06:00

Ooooo--I am so mad right now! When I'm angry my muscles twitch, and I look like I have tourettes right now. Aghhh. I've always been closer to my mom's dad than her mom, but today I learned that he's just as big a jerk as she is. Awesome.

Well there are many things I was going to post, but I am so mad right now I can't really concentrate. I'm looking at apartments. Coming home last week was a real wakeup call. It's time to get my own place. Seriously. But first I definitely need a job....grr. So this whole working to pay for some of my college may not work out so well if I'm going to be paying rent and utilities and groceries and all that...hmmm. We shall see.

various updates and thoughts.

2006-12-11T21:54:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've updated, and a ton of stuff has happened. Most all of you know that my dad is in the hospital, but I will write about it anyway. He had his gall bladder taken out Friday afternoon. He has an 8" incision!! That is massive. It's stapled instead of stitched. Ouch!

I took my Bible final this morning. It wasn't too bad. Whenever I didn't know the answer to something I would remind myself that I'm transferring and Honors Corinthians won't transfer, so it doesn't really matter. I don't know if my GPA will transfer or not...it didn't from Memphis. Just the credits that did transfer kept the letter grade that went with them. So that's fine. Had my bio final this afternoon--I spanked it. That has been such an easy class. I haven't taken a single note the whole semester, and I most definitely have an A. That's pretty awesome. All I had to do was show up and sit there. And lots of days I fell asleep or read for American Fictions. That is the class I am rather worried about. I probably have a B. But a C is a possibility. That's no fun. Here are my predictions for my grades: B in Bible, B in French, B in Am Fic, A in Comm, A in Bio, A (maybe B because of attendance) in A Cappella. Not bad. Not awesome, but not bad. And guess who's on chapel probation? ME! Good thing I'm not coming back next semester, because I would be losing my scholarship if I was. That's no good. That fact makes leaving a plus. I had lunch with Rachel Rose today. She is one of about 3 real friends I have here at LU. That is incredibly sad. I so do not fit the demographic here. I have tons of acquaintances, but that's about the depth of the relationships. Apparently I'm not that good at making deep friendships. I think I make a good friend...I would want to be my friend. But, alas. Here's what I think is the problem--I assume that people don't want to hang out with me, so I don't call them or anything to set stuff up, I wait to be asked. And I guess that isn't working out so well. I don't know why I assume that (actually I do, but it would take a really long time to go into all that here)--but you know what happens when you assume. So I will look forward to Manchester and a fresh start. Maybe I will start going by Lauren up there. I wanted to do that at LU, but I just didn't start doing it from the beginning, and it's hard to get people who already know you to call you something different. I thought it would be really hard to recognize people were talking to me if I went by a different name, but I had a French name this year, and that worked out nicely. We will see. I shall contemplate it over my break.

I really hope Beth can hook me up with a job. That would be awesome. I will have a real job. With a salary. I will get paid to type things into the computer, which is awesome because I can type really fast and really well. It will take me some time to get used to a desktop keyboard again since I'm so used to typing on my smaller laptopl keyboard. The keys aren't in exactly the same places. And apparently I will have to learn 10 key, but that shouldn't be too hard. I guess I will have a cubicle. That will be fun--I can decorate it with all my awesome Bon Jovi posters. Good thing I like small places...haha. I'm already thinking of things I want to buy with the money I will make, but that is a bad thing because I'm working to save the money so I can go to Manchester....grrr. I want a new laptop though. A mac. I also want a car, but that's probably pretty much out of the question unless I just work for a couple years rather than one semester. Hmm. But the car I want isn't practical--a car seat wouldn't fit in it, and I will have kids before I will need to buy a new car, so a 350z, while awesome, wouldn't be a smart buy. Plus they're crazy ezxpensive. But I really kinda do need a newer car because Manchester is 600 miles away, and I don't know how many 600 mile trips my 94 altima has left in it. Speaking of trips...last night I looked down at my spedometer at one point and saw that I was going 105 ( do NOT tell my mother this--I will never speak to any of you ever again). It's crazy, but I actually get better gas mileage going faster. I'm serious. It doesn't make any sense, but it's true.

Um....what else should I talk about? David--I've been holding off posting more deep pacifist posts since Tyler was in town. Shall we resume our dialogue? lol

*EDIT*--On all our bio tests, Dr. Carpenter puts a Bible verse as extra credit--1 point for the right book, 2 more for the right chapter, and another 2 for the right verse. Usually they're really obscure, but this one I got exactly!!!! book, chapter, and verse! Psalm 139:13--YESSS. I know it because Psalm 139 is my favorite Psalm. I just looked it up to see if I got the right verse...and I did. heck yes! I am way excited about that.

2006-12-05T23:30:00.000-06:00

According to our research, you'll be dead by
September 2071 at age 85 - probable cause -
heart attack
YOU DIE:
84.5 years

AVERAGE FEMALE LIFE SPAN:
77.1 years As you can plainly see, you have more health & vitality than the average woman.

SWEET!! 85 is old.

2006-12-05T23:12:00.000-06:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(73% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(20% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

I can't make it show up on here, but they have a graph of all kinds of famous leaders and celebrities and where they fit in and whatnot, and I'm right on Hillary Clinton's face.

spiritual gift?

2006-12-04T13:56:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to think that maybe my gift is faith. We have been studying that passage in Corinthians (the class). Dr. Williams says that we all have faith, but those with that spiritual gift are given an extra measure. I don't know. I'm not at all trying to sound superior (that was one of Paul's main arguments in his letter to Corinth!). But I really do believe that God and and will do anything. His power is infinite, and I believe that He still reveals Himself in those ways today to those who have the faith. I firmly believe that if for some reason it was needed, God could and would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich appear in my hand (I don't know what that would be essential to one's salvation or necessary for God to do that, but I believe that he could and would if the occasion arose). If I felt strongly that God was calling me to jump off a cliff, I would do it (there would be some major prayer and fasting first and definite consultation with people who have a better discernment than I). This is why I am so excited about joining CPT. I know that God will protect me. It is a dangerous job. You definitely have to sign a waiver saying that if you are kidnapped, tortured, killed, or otherwise injured that CPT can't be held responsible. It's serious business. When CPT members hear gunfire, they run toward it. I'm not afraid (although I probably will be when it's me running toward the sounds of gunfire). Yes, I could die. But I trust that God will protect me. And even if He chooses not to, and I do die, I died obeying His call. I hope that this post doesn't make me sound like I've gone off the deep end. I haven't. I'm just expressing how deep my convictions are. And I truly mean every word that I have written.

gahhh.

2006-12-03T13:51:00.000-06:00

Can I just say how much it sucks to lose $20. And not just misplace. It probably fell out of my pocket at the gas station last night, so now it is gone forever. So basically last night I spent 4 hours babysitting for 3/4 tank of gas. That is really depressing. I was going to use that $20 to go buy water. SUCK!!!!! I am really probably more upset by this than I should be, but $20 is a freaking lot of money to just lose.

more of my own thoughts on pacifism and a couple of art's quotes.

2006-12-02T23:09:00.000-06:00

"I will never give up hope for anyne. There is something of God in every person that we can appeal to" ( Hebron Journal page 115). We are all made in God's image--even the murderers, kidnappers, and raposts. Don't you think that the part of us that is like God can be moved?

Can we trust God so far as to let go of everything? Even our children? Abraham was willing to sacrifice Isaac--the very fulfillment of God's promise to him.

Many would suggest that pacifism is a stance of weakness or fear, but anyone who knows much of anything about pacifism knows that it is anything but weak or fearful. It requires an enormous amount of faith and trust in Almighty God that He will prevail and that His will will be done. There is great fear in giving up control and putting your all in God's hands and having Him do with it as He wills. What the world sees as weakness and fear is strength and trust in God. He will protect you, and even if he chooses not to, you have been obedient to His call. The cowardly and fearful approach is what the world sees as courageous--defending yourself with violence, trusting in your own abilities rather than in God's power. This is a more radical faith than most people are comfortable with--it completely defies what the world says we should do in certain situations. But I believe that as followers of Christ, we are called to this type of radical faith--a chasing after Him and a placement of total trust in Him and obedience to His will, whatever that may be. He is faithful. ALWAYS. The question is whether or not you will give Him the chance to prove His faithfulness to you.

Here's what Art has to say about violence: "Violence is an act of desperation. Violence is the inevitable result of oppression" (p121).

favorite verses

2006-12-02T13:02:00.000-06:00

1 Chronicles 29:11 "Yours, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and on earth is yours. Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom; you are exhalted as head over all."

Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."

Psalm 143:6 "I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land."

Micah 6:8 "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Matthew 5:38-44 "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

John 3:30 "He must become greater and greater; I must become less and less."

Philippians 2:5 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."

Colossians 3:12 "Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." (my tattoo verse)

1 Corinthians 4:12-13 "We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment, we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world."

Hebrews 12:1-3 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

my theological worldview...umk....

2006-12-02T12:42:00.000-06:00

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern

96%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

71%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

61%

Classical Liberal

57%

Neo orthodox

57%

Modern Liberal

46%

Roman Catholic

29%

Reformed Evangelical

21%

Fundamentalist

14%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

decisions, decisions.

2006-12-01T23:17:00.000-06:00

Kim and I talked ON THE PHONE *gasp* for a while last night, and I decided that I'm not going to come back to LU in the spring. I actually just went through and dropped all my classes.

Something very interesting has happened this week. I've been fasting and praying about what to do, and I think God answered. Know how one of my major reasons for staying through the end of the year was so that I didn't leave Caroline (my roommate) hanging by taking all the appliances and whatnot? Well, turns out, she and Melissa (one of my suitemates) are going to move in together, and Melissa's roommate is getting a private room. I would love a private room, but there is no way we can afford it. So, I'm taking this as a sign. Plus, I'm really getting fed up with the way lots of people are treating Lee Camp (UB professor and pacifist...). It's becoming a witch-hunt. People are not acting like Christians. It's really bad. LU is soo divided right now. It's just not a good situation, and I'm tired it. So, I will be home in 2 weeks. I still haven't told very many people (fasting makes you really weak!), and I really don't want to go into it a million times, but I imagine I will have to at some point. So, looks like I'll be finding a job somewhere, but I want it to be a good one--with a salary, not hourly wages. I want a job job. I need to save up all the money I can.

So, Kim thinks I need my own place. I don't disagree, but that would basically defeat the purpose of said job job if I suddenly had to pay rent and utilities and all that. Plus, I have the feeling that moving out wouldn't go over too well with Mom...and I'd likely be "punished" by having to pay for everything on my own. And that would not be good at all. So...that is frustrating. And Malachi stole my room at the Andersons' ; )

And everyone should go see the movie Bobby. It's very well done.

a pacifist primer.

2006-11-30T19:22:00.000-06:00

By Clark Hanjian
Pacifists oppose war. While this statement is true, it is only a small part of what it means to be a pacifist. For all of my adult life, I have been a pacifist and associated with pacifists. We are a minority, largely misunderstood, and often disparaged. In light of our precarious standing, I would like to clarify what many of us mean when we say “I am a pacifist.”

Pacifism is often viewed as cowardly or naive opposition to the use of physical violence. Many believe that pacifists avoid conflict due to some utopian hope that conflicts can be resolved without courage, sacrifice, or direct engagement with the adversary. I will address this myth by reviewing the analysis, intentions, methods, and training that are, in my opinion, central to being a pacifist.

Analysis
Conflict is the tension we feel when we interact with others whose goals appear to be incompatible with ours. Often, the tension is bearable and we learn to live peaceably with our adversaries. Occasionally, the tension is intolerable and we must act to relieve it.
How we approach conflict is the primary ethical, spiritual, and practical problem in our lives. If we fail to handle a conflict well, we suffer, or our adversaries suffer, or perhaps both. Thus, before we engage our adversaries, we need to be clear about our intentions and our methods.

The popular approach to conflict, as highlighted in our media and modeled in our entertainment, encourages us to maintain the following intentions: ( a ) define your desired results before engaging your adversary; ( b ) achieve your desired results using whatever means necessary; ( c ) achieve your desired results as quickly as possible; and ( d ) if suffering must occur, ensure that your adversary suffers more than you. To support these intentions, we are encouraged to use methods such as deceit, coercion, stress, confusion, threats, humiliation, distraction, exploitation, dehumanization, and violence.

This approach to conflict has many adherents, it enjoys a long history in human affairs, it is easy to understand, and it is reinforced daily throughout our culture. Nonetheless, pacifists reject this approach for three primary reasons.

First, although the popular approach to conflict has the potential to bring quick results, these results typically lack substance. Current symptoms of the conflict might be suppressed, but deep-rooted causes are ignored. Alleged solutions are short-sighted and inadequate. The conflict appears to be resolved, but soon thereafter the celebrated resolution begins to unravel.

Second, the popular approach to conflict is filled with suffering. We leave our adversaries dissatisfied, hurt, angry, and vengeful. These feelings set the stage for old conflicts to resurface and new conflicts to emerge.

Third, although the popular approach to conflict is often marketed in moralistic terms, it typically abandons the highest callings of most ethical traditions. Little value is placed on engaging our adversaries with respect, generosity, understanding, or compassion.
In light of these concerns, pacifists seek an approach to conflict that offers more substance and less suffering. Riding roughshod over our adversaries might provide short-term results and immediate gratificaton, but pacifists are more concerned with sustainable results and genuine reconciliation. To this end, we suggest an alternative with a completely different set of ground rules.

Intentions
Pacifism is an approach to conflict based on four intentions:

Use Means Consistent with the Ends Desired: This is the intention to engage our adversary using methods that embody the outcome we desire. We reap the fruit of what we sow. Thus, if we desire to live in a world where practices such as respect, understanding, truthfulness, and compassion are the norm, then we must endeavor to use these methods when approaching conflict - even under the most demanding circumstances.

Touch the Adversary’s Heart: This is the intention to connect with our adversary on a personal level so that our conflicted relationship can change. If we use force to compel our adversary to change their actions, we do nothing to address their concerns, and we can expect that they will return to their original course as soon as the opportunity arises. If we use persuasion to change the mind of our adversary regarding a particular conflict, we do nothing to address conflicts involving other matters. However, if we use methods that touch our adversary’s heart, we cause them to pause, and we open a door to a new relationship that will enable us to approach current and future conflicts more fruitfully. A change of action or a change of mind might yield some short-term relief in a conflicted relationship, but a change of heart redefines the relationship.

Leave Room for Error: This is the intention to make allowances for the possibility that we are mistaken. Due to our limited capacities as humans, there is always a chance that our perspective on a conflict is incorrect or incomplete. Thus, we should use methods that are flexible enough to: ( a ) provide our adversary with some benefit of the doubt; ( b ) provide us with opportunities to gather more information about the situation; ( c ) leave space so that we might have a change of mind or a change of heart; and ( d ) allow us to explore options that might be better than anything we can envision at the moment.

Intend No Harm: This is the intention to abandon any desire to hurt our adversary. In the heat of conflict, we consider bringing harm to our opponent directly or indirectly, physically or emotionally, quickly or over time. In moments of reflection, though, we know that these desires undermine our efforts to resolve conflict. Harmful intent only fuels the fire. Thus, when we approach our adversary we are challenged to intend no harm, intend no offense, intend no humiliation.

Methods
How might we engage our adversaries in a manner consistent with these four intentions? Pacifists offer the following ten methods. These methods have been practiced and promoted for ages. Nonetheless, when push comes to shove, when we face our most critical conflicts, we rarely use these tools. In light of the intentions outlined above, pacifists suggest that these methods deserve fresh consideration.

Each method below can be practiced in the familiar settings of conflict: families, organizations, communities, politics, commerce, and international relations. Each can be exercised with dignity and honor. Not every method is suitable for every person or every situation. But as we increase our skills with these tools, we can customize methods appropriate for the conflicts we face.

Good Faith: In all relations with the adversary, maintain truthfulness, keep my word, be trustworthy, bear no intention of deceit.

Unconditional Respect: Value the adversary under all circumstances. Show high concern for his or her well-being. Do not take advantage of any misfortune the adversary experiences. Defend the adversary from third party attacks. Show respect even when respect is not reciprocated.

Humble Engagement: Before approaching the adversary, review my contributions to the conflict. Maintain an openness to the possibility that I am mistaken about one or more critical elements of this conflict. Give the benefit of the doubt to the adversary. Be prepared to offer apologies, and to correct any misunderstandings I might have. Extend forgiveness. Refrain from insulting the adversary directly or in communications with others.

Correct Understanding: Make genuine and multiple attempts to learn more from the adversary about their perspective. Inquire: How do you see the circumstances? How is this situation impacting you? What are your key concerns? What are your intentions? What are your feelings? Analyze their perspective for new information and insights, and be prepared to revise my perspective. Share my revised understanding with the adversary to confirm my accuracy.

Sensitive Clarification: Clarify for the adversary important information about myself: how I see the circumstances, how this situation is impacting me, my key concerns, my intentions, my feelings. Share this information in a manner likely to be digested by the adversary. Be sensitive to timing, location, manner, and content. Even when my intentions are good, evaluate the potential impact of my sharing. Minimize sharing that is likely to make the adversary defensive and closed-minded. Maximize sharing that is likely to open a path for future interaction.

Selfless Service: Work to address the needs of the adversary. Touch the heart of adversary by offering assistance with no taint of self-interest. Also, work to address any external circumstances that might be contributing to the conflict. Demonstrate good will and sincerity by serving with no desire for compensation, recognition, or reciprocation.

Material Generosity: Contribute resources to help address the needs of the adversary. Abandon my illusions of security in favor of offering concrete assistance to the adversary. Give freely of my money and possessions. Place the adversary’s well-being over my own.

Purposeful Self-Suffering: Use self-suffering to demonstrate my sincerity to the adversary. Suffer the adversary’s attacks without responding in kind. Instead of retaliating, knock on the door of the adversary’s heart by responding unexpectedly: lower my defenses, share my resources, make genuine attempts to understand and address the needs of the adversary. Use self-suffering to create a dissonance that the adversary might resolve by a change of mind or a change of heart.

Courteous Non-Cooperation: When facing a demand from the adversary to act against my conscience, politely decline to cooperate. Do not participate in, contribute to, or consent to activities which rend my heart. Maximize the possibility of touching the adversary’s heart by making an effort to use some of the aforementioned methods before proceeding with non-cooperation.

Honorable Self-Defense: When I am under attack, when I have lost my stamina to experiment with other methods, and when I feel unable to touch the adversary’s heart, the option remains to defend myself honorably. This means attempting to free myself from the adversary’s attack while simultaneously maintaining a genuine intention to bring no harm to the adversary. This method includes techniques such as: verbal protest, aikido-style actions that redirect the adversary’s energies, physical escape, identifying those who provide support to the adversary and touching their hearts, and resolute non-cooperation with the adversary in the face of threats and attacks.

Training
The intentions and methods outlined above are embraced by many, but their use is generally limited to low-risk conflicts. Pacifists push the limits by suggesting that these intentions and methods are suitable - even necessary - for high-risk conflicts.

In order to approach a high-risk conflict as a pacifist, one strives to maintain these intentions in the heat of the moment. One strives to wield these methods instinctively and competently while under pressure. Hence, a pacifist invests in three areas of training:

Technical Training: Much is known about the very practical aspects of each intention and method outlined above. A pacifist attempts to develop proficiency in each area, drawing especially on the fields of psychology, interpersonal relations, and group dynamics. Particular attention is given to developing skills in communication, facilitation, and collaboration.

Spiritual Training: We are powerless to maintain these intentions or wield these methods unless we are spiritually fit. In order to approach conflict fruitfully, a pacifist trains in the very concrete practices of tolerance, patience, compassion, understanding, generosity, and voluntary simplicity. We try to develop nonattachment to views and possessions. We try to rid ourselves of strong aversions and strong desires. And we try to increase our ability to ease the suffering of others, regardless of whatever suffering we might endure. Support for this type of spiritual training can be found in most religious traditions.

Daily Experimentation: A pacifist trains by experimenting with these intentions and methods daily. As one consistently applies this practice to the small concerns of life, it becomes easier to approach the larger conflicts with skill and courage.

Pacifism is not a panacea. As pacifists, we always risk some degree of failure: our skills might be inadequate to the task; our adversaries might not be moved; we might suffer emotional distress, loss of property, physical injury, or death. On the other hand, we also risk some degree of success: we or our adversaries might have an insight or a change of heart, opening the door to a resolution and long-term benefits which could never be achieved through intimidation or violence.

In failure or success, the pacifist approach to conflict enjoys a ripple effect. Whenever we engage our adversaries with integrity, respect, and compassion, we throw a stone into the waters of the status quo. Sooner or later, the ripples touch our adversaries and other neighbors. In small but certain ways, these ripples promote the evolution of the peaceable society.

art gish quotes

2006-11-29T22:06:00.000-06:00

Let me just say that Art Gish is my hero. He is the guy who came and spoke at Lipscomb about CPT.

These quotes come from Art's Hebron Journal.
"Guns are stupid--they're useless. You can't build anything with them, you can't farm with them, you can't nurture children with them, you can't care for the sick with them. What can you do with a gun? They certainly do not bring anyone security, or peace, or freedom. The soldiers have lots of guns, but they are neither free nor secure." (31)

"A basic way of confronting evil and injustice is to make ourselves vulnerable to that evil. This goes to the heart of a Christian understanding of nonviolence, the way of the cross. The New Testament presents us with an understanding that God's ultimate way of overcoming evil is the cross: nonviolent, redemptive, suffering love. It is not through worldly power, but rather through love, weakness, and vulnerability that we overcome evil.
Whether with an angry, alienated individual, or an unjust system, the only way to reconciliation and peace that I know of is for people to open themselves to the pain of the person or system, and through active suffering love to be agents of God's healing power." (17)

"I came here [to Hebron] knowing that it could mean my death. I have tried to accept that I may be killed here. That acceptance of death gives me a lot of freedom. If I am free to die, then I am free to live. I am free to take risks, free to be open and vulnerable, free to go anywhere. But I am still afraid." (29)

"How naive it is to believe that we can act unjustly and it will have no consequences for the future. What we sow we will reap. There is karma. All of our actions have eternal significance. The judgment of God is sure. We sow the seeds of our own destruction. Say it how you will. There is something true and real about the almost universal understanding that we ultimately cannot escape the consequences of our actions. How important is it that our first concern be to live justly, love tenderly, and walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8)" (58)

I love this man.

i really hate putting titles up here, but if i don't then it just uses the first sentence of the post, and i like that even less.

2006-11-28T19:41:00.000-06:00

Anyway, I am missing people tonight. It's not like I didn't see some of you guys less than 48 hours ago, but. . .it's not the same. I miss people from high school. It seemed like we as a class were closer, like we were all in it together. We had awesome community. In college it seems to be more every man for himself, and that makes me sad. I miss all the friends I made and I know that our relationships will never be the same. We don't share our lives anymore. There's too much and nothing to talk about. We're all leading separate lives now. Well, this is getting to be rather depressing.

Overdraft charges are pretty much the dumbest idea ever.

American Fictions just might kill me.

more ponderings of life and future.

2006-11-27T22:41:00.000-06:00

Ummmm. . .yeah. So I think I will be staying at Lipscomb for the spring semester. It would really suck for Caroline (my roommate) if I left in the middle of the year and took the fridge and tv and dvd player and all that stuff. Plus, I'm really excited about the CS Lewis class I'm taking, and I'm getting initiated into STD (sigma tau delta) in February. There is just a lot to stay for. But not necessarily long term. So that decides things for my December 19 deadline. I still really really really do want to go to Manchester next fall. Will have to see how $$ goes. But, if it's meant to work out, it will, and that will be a sign. Perhaps my future husband is up there. We could be some awesome radical, liberal Christ-followers together. That would be fun. And exciting. I do still want to have a cattery some day too. But I would like it to be after I'm married (so whoever it is, he better LOVE cats). There is just so much to think about. But I have made my next small step decision by my Foot Lamp. I still wish for flood lights. Everything will become clear in time. Patience.

Manchester College

2006-11-26T15:45:00.000-06:00

What can you do with a degree in Peace Studies?

Where the heck is Manchester College?

What is Peace Studies?

Church of the Brethren?

why the crap do I have to travel almost 600 miles to go to a school with a peace studies program?

2006-11-25T00:14:00.000-06:00

Are Southerners war mongers or something? Looks like I'm going to go to Manchester College in North Manchester, Indiana--probably fall 2007. North Manchester is a little bitty town, but it's only 2 hours from Chicago which is pretty much the greatest thing ever. The bad thing is that it's 600 miles from home and I have to live on campus, so I can't take my cat (or Malachi). Let me just say--my parents think I'm nuts, and may or may not choose to support me in this. So--I might have to get a real job and save all my money to go there...we'll see.

wahhh!

2006-11-24T00:26:00.000-06:00

nobody leaves me any comments anymore! major stuff is happening--I need a sounding board.

my other wedding reading

2006-11-20T00:36:00.000-06:00

From "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams: "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Not the conventional 1 Cor 13, is it? But I think they are so perfect.

And I'm not posting these because I'm necessarily planning on getting married soon. I should definitely have a boyfriend and date for a long time first...but it's still fun to think about.

2006-11-20T00:22:00.000-06:00

What an interesting week!! I pretty much experienced every emotion possible. Sheesh. So anyway, I'm watching Bridezillas right now, and this girl is amazing. Wow. She is the meanest person I have ever seen in my whole life. She is horrible. People need to remember that getting married is a way to celebrate your LOVE for someone. Good grief. Speaking of weddings, not that I'm getting married any time soon, but here's one of the readings I'm going to have (or at least I want to have it read).

From Jazz by Toni Morrison: It’s nice when grown people whisper to each other under the covers. Their ecstasy is more leaf-sigh than bray, and the body is the vehicle, not the point. They reach, grown people, for something beyond, way beyond and way, way down underneath tissue. They are remembering while they whisper, the carnival dolls they won and the Baltimore boats they never sailed on. The pears they let hang on the limb because if they plucked them, they would be gone from there and who else would see that ripeness if they took it away for themselves? How could anybody passing by see them and imagine for themselves what the flavor would be like? Breathing and murmuring under covers both of them have washed and hung out on the line, in a bed they chose together and kept together nevermind one leg was propped on a 1916 dictionary, and the mattress, curved like a preacher’s palm asking for witnesses in His name’s sake, enclosed them each and every night and muffled their whispering, old-time love. They are under the covers because they don’t have to look at themselves anymore; there is no stud’s eye, no chippie glance to undo them. They are inward toward the other, bound and joined by carnival dolls and the steamers that sailed from ports they never saw. That is what is beneath their undercover whispers.

Isn't that beautiful? I love it. *sigh*

new revelation.

2006-11-16T22:33:00.000-06:00

God is ridiculously amazing. I woke up this morning with the most wonderful feeling of peace and joy. I also had a nervous excitement sick anxious feeling most of the day. I'm not supposed to be a professor. I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something with CPT or something like that long term. So now I need to get some training in peace studies. I've been looking for colleges that have a peace and conflict studies program. They're all ridiculously expensive. Maybe I don't have to go to college for it. . .maybe I can get accepted to CPT without it, because once you go on a delegation, then you come back and do a month of training. We'll see. . .one day at a time.

monty python voice I got better!

2006-11-16T00:08:00.000-06:00

For some reason, today was just a much better day. God and I had a serious talk yesterday, and I cried for a while, and I think that helped. I am still frustrated, but not angry anymore. I know that things will be revealed, just as I've known that all along and things have been, it just isn't going to happen on my time table. I do wish that I knew what step I was going to be taking next, but that will be revealed when the time is right. He is a lamp at our feet showing us the next step to take, not a floodlamp that lights up everything and makes it all clear. This is where faith comes in, and it's not easy to have faith when there are really important decisions to be made. But God is faithful, and He always will be.

I don't understand.

2006-11-14T13:37:00.000-06:00

I feel myself growing bitter over everything and nothing. I realize my faults and the more I examine them, the more I see that there are more faults than strengths. I feel used up right now. Not empty inside, but devoid of vaule. I'm tired. Tired of searching. I've lost the zest--everything is mundane and ordinary. I'm tired of not knowing the answers. I'm tired, but I don't think I'm broken. Perhaps that's the problem. If I were broken, then I could start over. I feel like I'm circling the drain. I want to get away from everyone and everything, but I have obligations and responsibilities. My soul longs to make a difference, but I'm stuck here trudging through the daily routine. I feel oppressed. Satan is attacking and I have nothing left to fight back. Apathy is taking over.

2006-11-13T00:20:00.000-06:00

yahtzee!! I figured out how to fix the time on here! and CST is GMT -6 hours, by the way.

something a little deeper than Good Morning America

2006-11-09T16:32:00.000-06:00

So basically I am beginning to see a pattern in my flakiness. I don't know what the crap I'm supposed to be doing or anything with my life. I'm starting to doubt my abilities to be a professor--it's pretty hard for me to verbally get my ideas out cohesively. . .and I suck at reading aloud (it got better when I was in voice therapy and I was practicing all the time). I don't know. I don't know what I would be good at. Part of me wants to be a psychologist or counselor of some sort. Part of me just wants to be a student forever. I've been doing it for 14 years--I've got it down. It's something I'm good at. I thought that meant I would be a good professor, but I don't know anymore. I'm doubting everything. I hated who I was becomming when I was singing, but at least I knew what I was doing. I had a plan and I was focused on reaching my goal. But that was stolen from me. Maybe I never really had it in the first place. I don't regret making the decision not to sing, but I miss the confidence I had when I was doing it. Even though my lack of confidence then was what was keeping me from progressing. I just get the feeling that I am seriously flawed. I know a lot of it has to do with just being this age, but still. I just feel like I'm ok at lots of things, but not really good enough to do anything superlatively. Even if I do go on and get my degree(s), I'm not sure I'd be using them. I'll probably get married and we'll move off somewhere and I'll have kids and do all that stuff. But I don't know--maybe I won't. There are entirely too many variables to take into consideration. I like it when I know what's going on. When I'm in control and I have everything planned out. God has taught me this lesson SO MANY TIMES--I know it's not supposed to be my plan. I'm not the one with the control. But that is infinitely hard for me. My entire beign fights against it all the time. I'm trying. But I feel like it's not enough. Nothing is ever enough it seems. I'm good at a lot of things, but I'm not the best at anything. It's been like that my whole life. I have best friends, but I'm never their best friend. I'm a good student, but I'm so self-conscious that I got into the habit a long time ago of dumbing things down, and now I can't seem to stop doing that. I feel like a big phoney if I really said how I felt or what I thought to the extent that I feel or think it. And I realize that makes absolutely no sense. If it's really how I feel, then it should make me feel genuine, but it doesn't. I've been trying to "find myself" as cliché as that sounds, and I'm realizing that there are so many layers of fakeness piled one on top of the other that maybe there's not any of the real me left, and if there is, I have no idea what it is like. So back to the beginning of my post--my flakiness. It seems like I stay wanting to do the same thing for about the same amount of time, and then I change my mind or start doubting myself. It's really pretty ridiculous. I wish someone would just come along and say "hey, this is what you're going to do, so suck it up and do it." First I wanted to be an opera singer. Then I turned into a neurotic b**** who didn't care about anything but singing. Then I wanted to be a therapist, but I took psych classes and figured out that I don't agree with any of the methods, so it would be pretty hard to do that (plus it's a BS degree and that means more math and science). So then I switched to English--something I've always been good at. I feel safe here. Safe, but still not the best. I can analyze a poem or story. I can write a story (haven't gotten my comments back, so the story may be crap). I can think like an English major. But what am I going to do with a degree in English? I don't feel like I'm smart enough to be a professor anymore. I don't think I'm a good enough speaker, and my ADD makes me lose my train of thought all the time when I'm talking about something. That would just not be a fun thing. So crossing all these things off my list (how ironic--I just accidentally typed life instead of list), what does that leave? You wanna know what I really want to do with my life? I want to have a cattery (you breed cats). So really, I could just quit school and go buy a bunch of cats and call it a day. Save myself all this drama (not to mention THOUSANDS of dollars). But you wanna know the reason I won't do it? If I own a cattery and stay around the house taking care of kittens all freaking day, how the crap am I ever going to find a husband? That's right, folks, Ashley is after her Mrs. degree. I really don't want to be alone. And I am terrified that if I don't stay in school, I won't ever find anybody. I don't go to a conventional "church" and I don't know the first thing about dating, and there is no way I would use the internet for something like that (those people are losers). I know this sounds ridiculous, and it is. I don't know what to do. I really don't have any desire to be a vet, or I could stay in school and do that and have my cattery and being a vet would definitely be helpful there, but it would be freaking hard (and yucky). I haven't ever put any of this down into words before, but it all just sorta came spilling out today.

2006-11-08T22:40:00.000-06:00

I am retarded. I have to write a journal for American Fiction, read a story, and finish my paper for tomorrow...and it's 10:37, and I'm watching Criss Angel, so I'm not going to work on stuff til that goes off. Grrrrrr. Hopefully it won't take me very long, because I am tired already.

hey--here's the link to my photobucket, you can see my pictures from Good Morning America.

http://s93.photobucket.com/albums/l74/Ashley_Lauren_2006/Bon%20Jovi%20GMA/

updates

2006-11-03T00:04:00.000-06:00

I learned today from the audiologist at VUMC that my hearing is better than perfect. . . . I had several hearing tests and fluid tests and all kinds of fun (note the sarcasm) things done to me this morning (all before my usual waking up time, I might add). Right now there isn't any fluid behind my ears, and as I said before, my hearing is awesome. Mom always thinks I'm crazy because I tell her I can hear her watch ticking in the car (really--I can). I guess that's a little creepy. I guess then that it's my ADDness that keeps me from being able to hear when people talk softly in restaurants. I'm always picking up on conversations from different tables and it's hard for me to hone in on the person who is talking to me. The otolaryngologist (I like that word--it's the ENT specialist, but otolaryngologist sounds way cooler) said that my ear infections were probably being caused by my allergies not being under control, so he gave me 2 nasal sprays to use, and that is supposed to make things all better in 6 weeks. If it doesn't, then I have to go to an allergist for allergy testing and probably allergy shots to take care of that. Then if that still doesn't work, then I have to get a CT of my sinuses and maybe have surgery. All this news is much better than Minute Clinic guy--Dennis--who said that there was definitely something anatomically wrong with me and that I would probably need surgery to fix it. I thought it was weird that he wanted to be called by his first name--those kinds of people generally revel in their formal titled positions. Anyway, I used the sprays this morning when I got back to school, and surprisingly they didn't kill my nose. I've had nasal sprays before, and every single one has made my nose just ache nearly unbearably bad, but these didn't, so that is super. Um. . . I can't really think of anything else to say on this topic, so I will switch now.

I'm going to be on Good Morning America on Monday! I am about to reveal the depths of my dedication (some would say obsession) to Bon Jovi. Sugarland is performing on GMA's Fall Concert Series Monday, live from Nashville, and Jon and Richie are joining them for "Who Says You Can't Go Home" (I almost abbreviated it--WSYCGH--but then realized that none of you would know what the heck that meant). Well, I am going to be there--in the front. But, Ashley, Good Morning America comes on really early in the morning--heck yes it does. I will be leaving at 3am. . . . I can't even stay in the dorm that night because they keep the doors alarmed til 5:30, and that would be way too late, so I am staying at Melissa's apartment at BU. Isn't that a silly rule--you can stay out all night if you sign out, but you can't leave between 12 and 5:30? Whatever. It is going to be really cold at 3am. . . and I will be standing on the corner of 5th and Broadway waiting for my band (that sounds bad, doesn't it. . .). There are several other girls from the fan club that are going too (one is even greyhounding it down from Cincinnati!). Since I'm the closest, I'm kinda coordinating everything. We're gonna stand together and maybe go get some breakfast after. The taping starts at 6. Luckily I don't have a class til 11! That is a wonderful thing.

Well, that's all that's going on around here. . . I miss you guys (and my cat), but I'm not coming home this weekend (since I'll be downtown at 3am Monday). You can watch GMA and probably see me though! I probably won't be home next weekend either because the week after that is Thanksgiving break (I get a 11 days off--counting weekends), so we will get to spend plenty of time together then.

huh?

2006-10-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

How do I fix the time on this thing? It's 10:22, not 8 something. . . .

why isn't it as obvious to everyone else as it is to us?

2006-10-24T22:02:00.000-05:00

So this past Saturday night I discovered just how much my mom doesn't get the whole "church" thing. Not even a little bit. I guess it's just so ingrained in her for so long that she is shutting down in those conversations, tuning it out? I don't know, but it was really sad, and to be honest I was a little shocked at how far back there she is. Saturday Barry called and wanted her to be in the nursery since she wasn't scheduled to sing. None of us were planning to go because she wasn't scheduled to sing, and I hadn't gotten to spend any time with Dad the whole weekend, so we were going to have some family time before I had to leave that afternoon (like 12).Well, Barry was rather p-oed, so Mom had to go around repeating it to everyone all day (really just Dad and like one other person who called, but that's a lot of times to tell a story that has nothing to do with anything, but you all know how my mom is. . .she likes to do that sort of thing). Well, anyway, she was talking to Dad on the phone while Mom and I were at Swanky Taco (mmmm), and she was telling him the Barry story and then she said, "it's not like we're skipping church, we'll go do house church tomorrow night" (emphasis mine). Wow. That makes me sad. I knew she didn't get it totally, but this shows she doesn't get it at all. . . . So this brings up my my title, "why is this so obvious to us, but some people just don't get it?" It's not like we haven't explained it thoroughly. How many weeks have we spent on "what is a church?" I don't know what more we can do. I really want her to understand; not just understand on an intellectual level, but to embrace it and live it on all levels, holistically. I didn't say anything on Saturday because it just wasn't the time or place; it wouldn't have gone over well and it wouldn't have done any good. It's frustrating.

don't hold me to it...

2006-10-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

but, I really liked the "Church" diagram and "Religion Box" from Friday night, so I am planning to remake it and either scan it in or take a picture and put that on here so everyone can see. Very cool idea all of you. We were a little high off those markers towards the end, weren't we...haha.

Don Miller is amazing.

2006-10-19T21:39:00.000-05:00

I want to get back to talking about what Don Miller said last Wednesday. It was such a powerful talk. I wish I had a digital voice recorder (David...) so I could transcribe it here for you, but I will just have to rely on my memory and the notes I took (yeah, I'm cool like that). Um...I just got up and looked for my notes, and now I can't find them, so that is unfortunate. Hopefully I will be able to get the main idea conveyed to you.

In chapel Wednesday morning, Don spoke about the cause of conflict in the world. He says it's due to our fallen nature (as I think everyone agrees on), but he had a very interesting take on the fall and the traditional Adam and Eve story. He *jokingly* said that he grew up Southern Baptist and they taught that Adam and Eve ate the fruit and became sinful and then got together and formed the Democratic Party (hahaha). He says that in the Garden, Adam and Eve were completely focused on loving God and being loved by God. They didn't NOTICE they were naked. They were all wrapped up in God--He met their every need. He says that all humans need someone outside of themselves to tell them who they are (I agree). God was constantly telling Adam and Eve who they were and that He loved them. When they ate from the fruit, they disobeyed God and caused separation--God stopped telling them who they were. Because they were no longer being told who they were and they weren't hearing God speak to them, they became focused on themselves--they became aware of their nakedness. As a result of this, humans ever since have been focused on hearing who they were and caring what other people think of them. Don told a story about how he was riding with a friend to the post office and someone cut them off on the road, and his friend just got enraged. So Don was like, "We were 8 seconds later getting to the post office, so we should turn around and follow the guy home and kill him." Then he said that what made his friend angry wasn't the 8 seconds, but the fact that the guy who cut him off was telling him who he was--that he didn't matter--the guy who cut him off was more important than Don's friend. Then he talked a little about the Lifeboat Principle (if you've read Searching for God Knows What, you know what I mean). If you haven't read Searching, then there is something seriously wrong with you and you need to get up from the computer right now, go to the store, buy it, and read it. Anyway, the Lifeboat Principle, in short, is this scenario where there are a bunch of people in the life boat--too many--and you have to pick someone to throw out so that the boat doesn't sink and kill everyone. Pretty morbid, if you ask me. But the Lifeboat Principle comes into play ALL THE TIME in our culture. This all stems from the Fall and our separation from God. I will post his talk from Wednesday night later. I am getting sleepy.

2006-10-16T23:37:00.000-05:00

I have much more to say on many more topics, but I am running on 3 hours sleep. I wouldn't make a bit of sense at this point. More to come. . .

2006-10-15T20:44:00.000-05:00

I'm here at the Andersons' house. We have been having a really awesome discussion about evangelism and what is the church and everything. Is America's definition of "church"--a building where people meet to worship God--a valid one? Are there real followers of Christ there? Why isn't it working? Why is there a heirarchy? The form dictates the function. That is the problem. It's a paradigm shift. We are so outside the box here. . .there isn't a model for what we're doing, and that's the point. We are experiencing Christ and letting Him be seen through us, not worrying about how many people are attending our services and programs and how we are or aren't following the budget and whatnot. So silly. We are at a crossroads. Church as it is currently defined, will be a thing of the past in a a few decades. God is moving mightily. Don Miller and I had a short talk Wednesday night about this. We see the problems with "church," but what can we do to change it? Are enough people seeing these problems that something will happen to change it? His answer was that it's a matter of percentages. Every generation improves upon the last, and there is a shift. You have to seek justice. Try not to be bitter and hate the "church."

2006-10-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

My friend and I were studying for our American Fictions midterm (it's tomorrow), and we had a coffee break. She eats pickles when she drinks coffee. I was disturbed. Wouldn't you be? Ew!

The way I see it.

2006-10-03T17:53:00.000-05:00

Call me crazy, but I just have a feeling that God doesn't take sides in our political issues. I also have a feeling that he doesn't like it much when we claim that He does. It makes me sad when I see how we as Christians in America have used Scripture to judge and condemn others. We are called to LOVE people, not tell them how sinful they are. God is the judge of a man's heart--the only rightful judge. Don't we all sin? I know I do. What is the difference? God condemns all sin, and there is nothing that we do that makes us any better than all the other sinners in the world. None of us is righteous--we all deserve death and an eternity in hell. But that doesn't have to be our end. God gives us GRACE. We are FORGIVEN for the sins we commit. Does God not extend that grace freely to all people? Doesn't He WANT everyone to accept his grace? Didn't Jesus die for EVERYONE? Anyway, this is just the way I see it.

2006-10-03T00:14:00.000-05:00

Well, isn't this lovely? I suppose with a name like "Grammar Patrol," I shall have to proofread everything before posting. I don't know how often I will use this, but it's good to have. Unfortunately, I have nothing of any great merit to leave you with at the moment. C'est la vie (that is such a cliche, but a fitting one). Adieu, mes amies.